Happiness: Rules in Your Head

“Happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors.” -Dalai Lama

I’m now convinced that the above quote is true. Let me explain why.

When I was studying for my psychology degree, I came across an interesting module called positive psychology.

It’s a section of the field that looks at the positive side of life, including a scientific study of what makes people happy. So potentially, it would put concerns I already had about pop-psychology, self-help, and spirituality to the test. I immediately signed up.

The idea that happiness comes from our attitude is a popular one. You want it to be true. It would mean that you have more control over your happiness, validate suspicions of your own responsibility toward your emotional state, and highlight the futility of chasing money, careers, and material goods.

Or it would for me, anyway.

So it’s quite gratifying that the science backs up the Dalai Lama’s point here, for the most part.

Studies suggest that only 10 percent of our happiness comes from external factors. The rest of the happiness pie is made up of our genetics and our “intentional activities”—the thoughts and behaviors that we do deliberately, which includes our attitude.

It really fascinated me that, to give one example of a study in this area, people became gradually happier and happier over a six-month period simply by writing down three good things that happened at the end of each day, and why they happened.

This simple shift of focus toward what we are grateful for takes less than a minute to do, but over time builds up to a large effect on happiness.

But it was a different finding that really made me believe that happiness comes mainly through our own choices of thoughts and behavior.

I always noticed I was happiest when I had just got something done. You know, finished a project, completed a blog post, got back from the gym. These are external factors, I thought; I’m achieving things in the outside world. And I read studies showing that people who moved toward their goals became happier.

But then I realized: whose goals are they? They’re mine. I imagine that if I took some random person off the street and forced them to write a blog post for me they wouldn’t become happier (ignoring the fact that they’d just been kidnapped and forced to blog, of course).

The happiness I get from achievement is simply the fulfillment of a rule I made in my head. I’m attaching my own meaning and values to an external situation: if I complete the blog post, I’m happier; if I don’t, I’m not.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. For example if you’re living in abject poverty, more money is going to make you happy whether you’re striving for it or not; it will bring you more safety, shelter, better nutrition, etc. But for the most part, it’s our intentional thoughts and activities that are making the difference.

Personally, I think it’s a million times better to choose your own rules, rather than have them handed to you by your boss, your favorite TV show, or your idols.

But even if you live the most self-directed life, these are still rules in your own head.

Once you know this, life gets a little bit easier to understand.

10 Ways to Complain Less and Be Happier

“Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

We all complain. Even if you argue that you are the happiest person in the world, you still complain sometimes.

Sometimes we complain without even realizing it, but rarely is it ever helpful. Sure, a common complaint can bond two people who may have nothing in common, but too much complaining would just break down the relationship.

For example, I once had a friend who constantly griped about her health, her family, her relationships, school, and the list goes on. Every time I hung out with her I felt drained afterward.

No matter what I said or did, it never seemed to cheer her up. There is no arguing that she was going through a tough time, but her negative attitude certainly made matters worse. Eventually we grew apart because it was more than I could handle at the time.

So what happens if you are the one stuck in the negative attitude? We’ve all been there. I know I sure have. There are days when everything seems to go wrong and complaining is the easiest thing to do.

It’s easier to complain instead of fixing a problem, like quitting a job or having a talk with someone. But I find that when you put your mind toward a more positive outlook and force yourself to end complaining, it is possible!

Here are some tips to stop complaining and ditch the negative thoughts to focus on finding solutions:

1. Change the way you think.

This is definitely easier said than done. Our brains tend to gravitate toward the negative. Much like the quote above, we are bothered first by the thorns in the rose bush instead of being marveled by the sight of the beautiful roses.

This requires a new practice of being mindful. When you find yourself thinking or saying a negative comment about something or someone, stop and force yourself to say something positive instead. Enlist the help of a cheerful friend to stop you when you complain and help you to see the positive in the situation.

2. Allow yourself to vent every once in a while.

Constantly ignoring your negative thoughts could add up. If you are really going through a rough time, don’t be afraid to share your feelings with a close friend or family member or see a therapist. Don’t feel ashamed if you need to talk through negative feelings.

3. Practice yoga.

Yoga is a great way to exercise, relax, and learn to be mindful. Yoga focuses on breathing, movement, and meditation and helps you to control your mind and body. Our minds often race in a million directions. Yoga can help you calm your racing thoughts and be more positive with your intentions.

4. Train yourself to be less judgmental.

We often complain about others because we think they are not up to our standards. Once you stop judging people without knowing their stories, you will most likely complain less about the things people do.

For example, constantly complaining about the service in a restaurant is not helpful. You don’t know what kind of a day your waiter or waitress has had or what problems are going on behind the scenes. If you put yourself in their shoes for a minute, you may be more kind and relax about the situation.

5. Make a list of things you’re grateful for.

Stopping for a minute and thinking of all the great things and amazing people in your life will probably put any silly complaints you had to rest.

6. Be the change you wish to see in the world.

Next time you’re with your friends, family, or co-workers and engaged in a complaint fest, speak up or quiet down. Depending on the crowd, either speak up to stop the complaining and change the subject to something sunnier or simply be quiet and don’t complain yourself.

7. Accept responsibility.

If something is bothering you, either fix it or accept that nothing can be done right now, so why complain? Complaining is a passive activity. Change that complaining into action to solve the problem or simple accept it and give your mind something else to focus on.

8. Find what makes you happy.

Sometimes this list can be easy, full of hobbies you enjoy. Sometimes it requires deeper introspection. Are you constantly complaining about your job? Maybe it is time to make the hard decision to move on to another job or career. Uncover what your biggest complaints are about and see if you can change the situation to make you happy.

9. Take care of yourself.

Stress and a busy lifestyle can often take over our lives and break down anyone’s positive spirit. Take time out from your life for just you. Make sure you get to see that movie you were dying to watch, take a hot bath, head to your exercise class, get a manicure, play sports, or do whatever relaxes and energizes you. It could just put you in a new frame of mind.

10. Simply ask yourself when you open your mouth: would you rather complain or be happy?

Choose happiness, focusing on the positive, and being kind always! It is your choice and no one else’s.

What is your foolproof way to stop complaining?

Allow Yourself to Be Happy in the Present

“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.”  ~Chuang Tzu

At an early age I learned that nothing in life is guaranteed. When I was eleven years old, a close friend and classmate lost his battle with cancer. After that, I had several more instances of losing loved ones, some expected, others not so much.

After having gone through so much loss at such an early age, my outlook on life was one word: rushed.

I wanted to get through college as fast as I could, while taking on as much as I could. I wanted to have meaningful relationships and foster my athletic abilities. I wanted to get out into the real world and have a great job where I felt like I mattered, and made a difference.

I had graduated college a semester early, and I was blindsided by how seemingly cold the real world was and by the fact that I had all of these dreams with little to no understanding as to how they were going to come to fruition—as fast as possible.

After all, time was of the essence because I could die tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that… (What twenty-something year olds think like that?)

With the economy on the decline, I was only able to find a job at a nearby hospital as a transportation aide. This basically entailed bringing patients to and from their appointments within the hospital.

While I did enjoy certain aspects of this job, such as trying to make each and every person I transported smile during their otherwise not-so-great day, the attitudes of fellow hospital staff left me feeling worthless, as I was mocked by physicians and nurses for no other reason than my job title.

As months crept on, I became seriously devastated at the thought of my future success being delayed any further. It was hard to feel like success was on the horizon when those who were supposed to be my “teammates” were treating me so poorly.  I was genuinely distraught over the uncertainty of what tomorrow was going to bring.

I tried my very best to trudge on, with the sole thought and hope that “surely another career wouldn’t be like this, right?”

About six months later I was offered a different job. It wasn’t exactly like my previous one, but left me feeling once again like I was on another rollercoaster ride, this time with a healthcare consulting company.

When I was offered this position that would have me relocating to Pennsylvania, I packed my bags as quickly as I could. I seized the moment, not knowing when another opportunity would present itself.

In this position I had effectively transitioned from a job that required direct interaction with patients, to a role that was focused on how hospitals and medical groups financially managed themselves.

While my previous critics during my time as a transportation aide would have deemed this job title more favorable, this consulting position did not leave me feeling any better at the end of the day.   

Now, I was boots-on-the-ground implementing change within an organization, with one major problem: my boss was one of the most despised people at the hospital.

This left me putting out fires at every turn, and put me in a position where I felt forced to back certain causes I didn’t truly believe in because I was told to “step up, or step out,” by the management within the consulting company.

During this time, I was spending ten to twelve hours a day at work, getting nothing more in return than feeling emotionally and mentally drained at the day’s end.

While I did have a small group of friends in the area, I wasn’t close to any of them, as this group of individuals primarily focused on surface-level relationships and drinking.

To fill any remaining time I had available to me, I began training for an Olympic distance triathlon.

More or less, I threw all of the things that I felt I needed to achieve to feel happy in life up in the air, hoping at least one would catch, but none of them did.

My failure in this approach was that I was running—not just in a “hey, I’m training for an Olympic distance triathlon” kind of way, but in an “oh-my-gosh, I’m terrified to leave any amount of time free because if I truly take a step back and look at my life, I will realize how unhappy I am and how unimportant all of this is” kind of way.

I was cramming my days so full in an attempt to truly experience the world like my other friends and family members never had the chance to, and in doing this, I wasn’t actually experiencing anything at all.

I didn’t know who I was, and I most certainly didn’t know what I wanted.

Fast forward a year and a half and here I am, now located in Boise, Idaho, where I have relinquished “striving for happiness,” because happiness is not something you strive for.

When I moved to Idaho for another job opportunity, I decided not to fill all my downtime like I had in the past.

At first, I felt truly and utterly alone. Things were quiet, and it became apparent that in trying to experience everything around me and check items off of my bucket list, I had neglected to cope with several past experiences.

The loss of loved ones, the ending of relationships, and past decisions that did not suit me all haunted me in my downtime.

Through counseling and deep self-reflection over the past several months, I have been able to resolve many of these feelings and have learned, among other things, that happiness is something that already lies within us.

It is a personal choice, however, whether or not we allow ourselves to feel it.

I believe happiness is choosing to let go of those situations and people who do not suit us personally. It is living in the moment, rather than, in my case, living in fear that the moment is going to be over before I’m ready.

It is here that I have allowed myself to only invest time in what truly interests and suits me, rather than what I feel obligated to achieve.

I have made time to enjoy exercising, to cherish my family and friends, to read and write, and to enjoy the simplicity of life rather than stress over all of life’s complexities. In realizing how much I have missed while running from my past and planning far into the future, I have become truly present.

We all have the ability to enjoy our lives, but it can’t happen if we’re racing toward the future. If we want to be happy, we have to choose to create happiness now.

How to Feel at Home Wherever You Are

“Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” ~Basho

For over three years, I’ve been living out of a suitcase and traveling around the world doing a combination of volunteering, housesitting, and couch surfing.

This journey started after I decided to drastically change my life. In the span of a week, I filed for divorce, quit my high-paying job in New York, left my PhD program at an Ivy League school, sold all my stuff, and flew to South America.

After spending six months volunteering in Brazil, I began to realize that, while I was born and raised in New York, it never really felt like home.

While I always knew I struggled with many aspects of the external environment, it was how I felt internally when I returned from South America that really made me realize how misunderstood and unhappy I was when I was there.

So flying to South America turned out to be the first stop on a long quest to find a new home. Since then, I’ve driven to over thirty states in the US and have been welcomed into so many homes, I’ve lost count. I’ve viewed each of these experiences as an opportunity to learn how other people have created a sense of home for themselves.

Here are five ways I’ve learned to develop a sense of home, and how you can too:

1. Seek safety.

Feeling safe is a basic human need and part of the foundation that allows us to relax and open up to the world around us. Feeling safe isn’t just a sense of physical well-being; it’s a sense of emotional and psychological well-being, as well.

Many things can make a space feel unsafe, everything from unsettled relationships, to unfamiliar surroundings, to unsanitary living conditions. Growing up, there was a great deal of unspoken tension in the house, and when I got married, I never felt emotionally safe with my now ex-husband.

As I’ve moved around over the last few years, I’ve confirmed that if we don’t feel safe, it’s impossible to feel at home. As a result, there have been places I thought I’d stay for weeks that I ended up leaving after a few hours, and there are places I thought I’d spend one night and ended up staying several months.

Anyone or anything that disrupts your sense of safety will become an obstacle on your quest to feeling at home. Eliminate these obstacles by either moving on from unsettling situations or by developing healthy boundaries that help to maintain your safe space.

2. Connect with people.

While a physical space (home, apartment, condo) can provide a degree of structure and external stability, it’s the people we surround ourselves with that truly make or break a home. We all need a community of people in which we feel understood and supported.

When I was living on Long Island, it appeared that I had a huge network of people surrounding me. But as I’ve traveled and found communities of like-minded individuals, I’ve realized just how misunderstood and disconnected I felt growing up. Once I experienced what it feels like to be embraced and accepted by those around me, it became impossible to settle for anything less.

Connecting with others takes effort and time. Talk to those around you and really listen to what they’re saying. Notice how you feel when you’re with them; when you’re around those that feel like home, you’ll know. Keep searching until you find the community of people that feels right for you.

3. Explore and try new things.

It’s easy to take for granted everything that our environment has to offer. But chances are there is a great deal more going on than we realize. If we can learn to view life as though we are on an adventure, we’ll feel more inspired to explore that which is right in front of us.

When I arrive at a new city, I have zero expectations about what I want to see or do; instead, I speak to the people in the community and ask them for advice. This is how I ended up on a river float in Missoula, Montana; learned salsa dancing in Boulder, Colorado; and explored artwork in a tiny park on the outskirts of St. Louis, Missouri.

Bring a sense of enthusiasm into everything you do, as though you’re a child seeing everything for the first time. Be curious, ask questions, and learn details; every place and every person has a story. Be fearless and go out and explore; this exploration will help you build the deeper connection to the world around you that is needed to feel at home.

4. Spend some time alone.

Developing a sense of home is as much an internal discovery as it is an external one. Being present and aware of our feelings and intuitions will help guide us toward making the necessary changes needed to feel at home.

Even though I’m moving around to different places, I still make time for myself every day. I wake up and do a yoga practice, go on long walks by myself, meditate, journal and spend long drives in silence as a way to clear my mind.

Take some time alone each day and use this time to check in with your emotions. Inquire about how the people and environment make you feel. Journey within as much as you journey outward and ask yourself what you can do to make the space you’re in feel more like home.

5. Slow down.

It can be tempting to rush in and out of new environments, frantically trying to explore and connect. But to truly develop a sense of home, we must slow down long enough to really experience the people and places we find ourselves in; this same concept applies to environments that we’ve been living in our entire lives.

There have been several moments over the past few years where I’ve found myself caught up in needing to see and do everything that every city has to offer. Not only is this impossible, but it’s also exhausting. Focusing on quality over quantity, in both my connections with others and in my experiences, has been far more powerful in creating a sense of home than having a laundry list of mediocre ones.

Become an active participate in the world around you, rather than sitting on the sidelines and observing life as it passes you by. Take the necessary time to fully process each and every experience and each and every person you meet along the way.

Take one step today toward exploring your sense of home wherever you go.

There are plenty of ways in which you can explore the world around you, but remember that you must also look inside yourself and let your gut be your guide.

Home is where you feel safe, connected, understood, and loved. The more present and engaged you are with both yourself and the world around you, the easier it will be to feel at home anywhere.

How to Deal with a Break Up

“No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

I met him the last semester of college and was instantly attracted to him.  I was definitely attracted to him physically, but it was the way he sat in class with such quiet confidence and mystery that made me long to know him.

I practically drooled all over my desk whenever he spoke, but couldn’t even bring myself to say, “Hello.”  One night out, I saw him standing by the bar. I told my friend that I had a crush on him and she promptly gave me two choices: Go speak to him or, she would embarrass me. Needless to say, I chose the first option.

I don’t remember what was said when I approached him, and in the grand scheme of things I guess it’s irrelevant. We spent the entire evening together. He taught me how to tie a tie, he told me about his closeted love for Vanilla Ice, and we shared the most romantic evening I had ever experienced.

His affinity for Vanilla Ice notwithstanding, I fell in love with him that night.

We graduated only a few short months later and moved away from each other, but maintained a friendship over the years. We got together whenever time and space would allow.

Recently, I took a chance and revealed that I had romantic feelings for him. In a fairy tale-like manner, he flew across the country, and we made the decision to start dating. Everything was great—until it wasn’t, and we broke up.

Although the decision to end the relationship had been mutual, over the following months, I cycled through many feelings and emotions. One day I would tell my friends that I was “so over him,” and the next day I’d find myself flat on my back, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering where we went wrong.

Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship, but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process.

Embrace the feelings.

Breaking up with someone can feel like a major loss. It’s crucial to give yourself time to mourn the end of the relationship; however, it’s important to remember that everyone mourns differently. Some people cry, get angry, lash out, become sad, or deny that the relationship is really over. If you’re anything like me, you’re likely to feel all of these emotions at once.

Don’t beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. My therapist calls this a tendency to “double bad.” You experience a negative emotion (sadness) and then make yourself feel even worse for experiencing it (guilt). We often think that we should be handling a break up better than we are.  We tell ourselves things like “I should be over her by now,” or “I should be handling this better,” or “I shouldn’t let this get to me.”

But, in actuality there is no “right” way to get over somebody. Despite the numerous manuals and self-help books that have been written on this topic, the only real way to deal with a breakup is…to deal with the breakup.

Remind yourself that these feelings are a natural part of the healing process and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel whenever you feel it.

Stay present

Instead of dealing with the current state of the relationship, we sometimes tend to keep replaying the past, looking for answers that can’t always be found, or mentally create future situations that allow us to (temporarily) escape the pain.

Depending on my mood, I would either analyze various scenes from our relationship, searching for any type of clue as to why things ended, or imagine a future in which we both realized the error of our ways and ended up happily married (with children).

However, focusing on the past and future forces us to stay stuck in an endless loop of pain and confusion, and prolongs the healing process. Stay present in the moment and allow the emotional wounds to heal naturally.

Learn love’s lesson. 

Even though it’s difficult to accept that the relationship has ended, I have still gained invaluable information from the experience that I may not have received otherwise. I am better able to recognize what I need in a relationship and to communicate those needs to others. Also, I’ve found the courage to face some of the issues that floated to the surface in the process of opening myself up to another person.

Yes, sometimes the lessons hurt—and like hell.  But learning is an important part of the healing process. No relationship, no matter how negative it may seem, can be considered a “failure” if you have grown as a result of the experience.

If you’re open to it, each relationship offers the potential for spiritual growth and evolution. Rest in the knowledge that while you’re learning love’s lessons in preparation for your future mate, he or she is being prepared for you, too.

Relationship Issues

“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.” ~Unknown

Relationships are tough. Even more difficult is maintaining healthy boundaries within a relationship.

My head hurts and I feel like I’m going to throw up. Let me explain. I’m in a loving healthy relationship with a beautiful woman and I’m proud to call her my partner.

Great, so why do I feel like I want to throw up? Well, because last night was a tough night for us, for me, and today I have an emotional hangover.

Here’s the breakdown. She was going to her girlfriend’s house for dinner and girl time. Great. I was home cooking myself dinner and doing a little reading and television viewing. Great again.

I sent her a text at 9:40 asking if she was having a good time. No response. Okay, no worries. An hour and a half later, worries—a head full of them.

Is she okay? Why no reply? Did I do something wrong?

She always replies to my texts. Always. So why not now?

Good question. A healthy response would’ve been to tell myself she’s having a great time and will call when she’s on her way home. I didn’t have a healthy response.

I leaked. Leaked all over the place. Leaked as in my boundaries were nowhere to be found and hence what should have been kept in my head instead leaked all over our relationship.

I texted a pissy good night text saying I was going to bed and hoped she was having fun. Tough to tell tone via text but anyone could have seen that I was pissy. 

A leak = poor containment. I wasn’t containing. She replied!

She said she was having a blast and that I was entitled to be upset. Not good enough. By now I was shaking.

Containment breach! Containment breach! We have leak in the dam.

I couldn’t stop. I texted her saying her behavior was anything but normal. That she always texted me back.

This didn’t help. Stop Zach! I couldn’t.

The scared, wounded little kid had his hands on the steering wheel. He was in charge, not me. I called her. Told her how she had hurt me, that her lack of communication triggered my abandonment issues.

I blamed her for my own stuff. Great boyfriend I am. Actually, I am a good boyfriend; I just had a tough night.

My lack of containment led to my leaking all over the place, all over her. Bad boundaries, it happens to the best of us.

Here’s the growth. Yes growth. There’s growth all over this and I’m thankful for the opportunity.

Today I can own my part, which was assuming, taking things personally, lack of containment, and blaming. My breach of containment led to all of this. There’s growth because I can see my part, learn, and quickly make amends.

There’s growth because although I have an emotional hangover, I know in my heart that the relationship is not over. In years past I would have shut down and never recovered from something like this. Not the case today.

As my therapist told me (yes I texted him about this), we have to make mistakes to learn and grow.

Sometimes containment means holding back our own crazy and being the functional adult who can move beyond it. Other times we leak looking for the other person to be responsible for us. It’s about practice and progress, not perfection.

Relationships are tough but I’d rather say relationships are rewarding if we’re willing to look at our part and do the work. It’s a daily practice. And not just with a significant other.

I’m talking about relationships in all areas of our lives: work relationships, sibling relationships., relationships with our parents—all of this and so much more. The biggest for me is relationship with self. I wasn’t taught growing up how to like and love myself.

I was taught that everything is my fault and that I don’t matter. Makes having a loving relationship with myself tough work. It’s a daily practice, as mentioned.

If daily is what’s needed, then daily it is. Some days are better than others but still daily, nonetheless. I call it re-parenting.

I call it love.

Appreciate the People Who Have Helped You

“No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks.” -James Allen

Recently, my mom told me that my beloved piano teacher had passed on. She had reached a high age and died peacefully in her sleep. This news, delivered to me via Facebook, hit me harder than I could have prepared myself for.

Sitting there in front of my computer, I remembered the circumstances of my meeting her. Originally, it was because my sister wanted to learn how to play piano.

It was by pure chance that I decided to go with her for her first lesson and I instantly fell in love with the teacher. She was the same age as my grandma, which was great because back then younger people terrified me. We hit it off right away.

I must have been around thirteen years old back then and I was in a really dark place of my young life. My eating disorder, which I had developed at the age of about ten, was starting to get more serious.

I lost weight rapidly and my exercising got out of hand. I was a shadow of myself and I was terribly insecure and weary of life.

Spending one hour a week with this unusually large, brilliant lady was like my sanctuary. When I closed the door of her tiny piano room, I knew I was in a safe place.

She listened to me when no one else did. If I showed you my piano skills today, you’d agree with me that we probably talked more than we practiced playing. Being with her was like the counseling I desperately needed.

I treasured each and every moment with her. I was more open to her about my anorexia, about my problems with the family, and my terrifying fear of my brother than I had ever been with somebody else. I trusted her. No matter how caught up I was in my illness, I never skipped a lesson.

Then, I went to the US and our ways separated. Over the years, I would hear frequent updates of how she was doing and I would send her the occasional letter.

When driving by her house, I would make a mental note to schedule some time for a visit sometime in the future. I never did.

My piano teacher had often told me that she had seen the vulnerability in my eyes and my posture when we first met. She saw that I was a broken soul and she knew that she was there to guide me and to help me through some of the hardest years of my life.

She gave me love when I needed it, without me having to ask for it. She wanted to take me under her wings and she did.

During those years, I was too young to understand the capacity of her love for me. But as the years went by, long after I had stopped taking lessons, I began to understand, and yet, I never thanked her in the way she deserved. I always allowed life to get in the way.

Why do we do that?

Why does the urgent so very often overshadow the important?

Why does the brain overrule the heart so many times?

Why do we choose the wrong path just because it seems more convenient at the time?

Is it life itself? Is it that we’re just too busy? Is it because we don’t know any better? Is this just pure selfishness?

Let’s face it; we could all do better, right?

I had so many chances, so many opportunities to see her, but I never made it happen. I mean, I have the best excuse: I was sick, terribly sick. So, it wasn’t really a choice, right?

While that is true, there have been weeks in the past ten years when I was doing okay. Had I made an effort, I would have been able to visit her for an hour or two.

Yet, I thought that there would always be a tomorrow, a better occasion, a day when things were not so stressful and life would be less busy and complicated.

However, as we all know, tomorrow is not guaranteed.

And it is tragic to see that it takes the death of someone you genuinely loved to make you realize the importance of acting today.

There is no excuse for not expressing your feelings to your loved ones today. There is no excuse for not saying thank you today. There is no excuse for not taking ten minutes of your time to call someone who needs you.  There is no excuse not to forgive someone who sincerely apologizes right now.

There is simply no good reason to postpone the important until tomorrow.

Knowing that I never told her how grateful I was for what she had been doing for me breaks my heart. Knowing that she will never hear how important she was in keeping me from going down the deep end is unforgivable.

The impact that she had on my life cannot be underrated. Not only did she save me from drowning many times, she also shared with me the wisdom she had gathered throughout her lifetime.

I remember sitting next to her in front of her piano soaking in every word she shared with me. And I cannot help but think of all the wisdom I missed by never visiting her again.

Maybe this knowledge would have prevented me from making the mistake of putting her out of my mind one too many times?

Maybe, maybe not. One thing I am certain of, however, is that she would have been delighted to see me again. She would have been moved to tears to see my husband for the first time.

She would have loved to see the woman I have come to be. And she would have deserved to know that I am recovering and doing so much better. The sparkle in my eyes should have been reflected in hers.

Appreciate the people who help you, who are there for you, who see that you are vulnerable and who don’t just look away. Appreciate them today and act on it.

This is your opportunity to do it—right now, while there’s time.

A Letter from Your Future Self: What Day Is It Today?

“The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now.” ~Robert G. Ingersoll

Dear Past Me,

Remember that day when you thought all was lost? When you thought there was barely any point in carrying on?

The bank account was dangerously low.

You were arguing with everyone close to you.

The roof was leaking.

It felt like everything was a struggle and the so-called abundance of the Universe was nowhere to be seen.

You were going over the mistakes you’d made.

The money you had lost.

The opportunities you had missed.

You were going over angry conversations and thinking about how right you were and how wrong they were.

You were searching for forgiveness but holding onto the unfairness of it all.

Remember how low you felt?

You actually spent more time than you care to admit wishing you didn’t exist.

You thought at least that way, nobody would miss you and you wouldn’t cause them any pain if you had never existed.

Dude.

Seriously?

You do realize now that you wasted a bit of time with that ridiculousness, right?

You wished for a lightning bolt of awareness to hit you in the head.

You were hoping for a finely tuned droplet of self-aware genius to magically transform your heart.

The Universe provided because in the next few moments, you read this:

The average person lives to be 76 years of age, which is approximately 28,000 days.

28,000 days.

That’s when it hit you.

Every day is truly precious.

Months seemed to come and go.

Years flew by.

But days. Days were made up of habits.

You woke up to your own habits at that point.

How much time had you wasted drifting into jealousy?

How many hours had been lost sinking with regret or crying over disappointment?

If you added up the hours you’d filled with worry, regret, anger, sorrow, and guilt, how many days would it equal?

It was terrifying to even consider.

You shifted.

You found three ways to live in each day that have changed you forever.

1. You are not your feelings.

When anger or hurt hits your heart like a ton of bricks on a hot summer day, it can feel like it consumes you.

The more you resist, the more you fight it, the bigger it gets.

Allow the pain to be there. Talk to it. Realize that you are the witness that is doing the talking.

2. Meditation.

It seems like everyone talks about meditating.

Once you made it a non-negotiable part of your life, everything else shifted for you.

Think of it like brushing your teeth or taking a shower.

You can sit quietly anywhere. In your car. At your desk. Just close your eyes and breathe.

It will help you to be in the day.

3. Forgiveness.

As much as you’re struggling with your own crapola, everyone else is going through his or her own lessons as well.

As soon as you leaned into forgiveness, you felt better.

You stopped resisting.

Forgiveness gives you flow.

And when you flow, BOOM—you’re in the present moment again.

I want you to wake up to what you have right now!

I want you to know that no matter what, today is beautiful.

It doesn’t matter if it’s pouring rain, pounding snow, or penetrating sunshine.

Weather is neither good nor bad. It just is.

Today is what you make it and I want you know that here and now, in this future moment that I’m writing you from, love is the only thing that lasts.

Whether your current moment is filled with sorrow or bursting with joy, this too shall pass.

Find ways to make today into a beautiful painting of kindness toward yourself and toward others and you will reach the end of your 28,000 days with a knowingness that you lived well.

What day is it today?

It’s the best day ever.

Love,
Future Me

Love Your Body: 4 Steps to Self-Care

“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

My life has been one big hate-fest of my body.

I don’t know when or how it developed, but I have been comparing my body to others’ for as long as I can remember. I was never happy, never good enough. There was always work to be done, goals to achieve.

Not only was I constantly on the latest diet that most likely was extremely bad for me, but I was also mentally beating myself up every step of the way.

The self-talk was brutal and relentless. “Why can’t I just lose weight?” “Why am I so fat?”

The negativity didn’t stop there. I hated others too. Women with “perfect” bodies were a major source of jealousy and envy for me.

The few times that I achieved some sort of ideal, I found myself uncomfortable with my appearance. I projected my hatred and jealousy of others onto myself, and just kept falling down the negativity rabbit hole.

Achievements felt shallow, undeserved, and were always short-lived and followed by a period of self-sabotage.

Finally, after a difficult divorce, left as a single mother raising three young children alone, some sort of light bulb went off in my head. No one else was going to take care of me. I was sick of the misery and mental anguish.

I realized more than ever that I needed to take care of myself so that I could have the energy to get through my demanding life. Something had to give, and what I was doing was not working.

I began by simply realizing that I didn’t feel good physically with the way that I was eating. I noticed a daily sugar crash that was leaving me depressed and with no energy. I decided to start there and started eating more whole foods and less sugar.

Taking a new attitude toward my diet increased my awareness of how good health affected me, and that choice built upon itself daily. 

I researched what else I could do to develop better health, and began to properly care for myself. In turn, my life became more manageable, I felt happier, and I was a better mom and person. As a nice bonus I actually lost 30 pounds and became an athlete.

If you’re tired of the self-hate game and ready to begin taking care of yourself, you may want to try the steps that I followed.

1. Focus on health and feeling well.

Stop obsessing over external appearances and obtaining an ideal body, and instead focus on the way being healthy makes you feel and what it gives you. You’ll find a deeper sense of gratification and more motivation to stay on track. You’ll also begin to lose tolerance for the way unhealthy choices make you feel.

You can also reframe the way you look at diet and exercise as something wonderful you do for yourself, rather than a way to punish your unhealthy choices.

Feed your body nourishing food so that you always feel your best, and remove the worries of disease and poor health. Exercise to relieve the daily stresses of life, to release endorphins, to fight anxiety, and to feel good. Meditate to get in touch with your emotions, to connect with the bigger picture, and to feel at peace.

2. Treat yourself the way you’d treat someone you love.

I stopped speaking to myself in a way that I wouldn’t speak to my children. It’s powerful to recognize that the self-hatred is not only unproductive, but that it begins a spiral that takes you further and further away from the things that you want.

How motivated would you feel to perform well for a boss who constantly demeaned you? Now imagine a boss who supported, encouraged, and nurtured you: how motivated would you be then?

Our subconscious mind hears the self-talk and responds to it in a similar way, so make sure your self-talk is loving, supportive, nurturing, and forgiving.

Look in the mirror everyday and repeat the phrase “I am deserving and worthy of all good things, and accept myself unconditionally.”

It may take some time to believe it, but in time you will re-train your thought process to be more positive. When a negative thought about yourself enters your head, take a deep breath, release it, and repeat your positive affirmation in its place.

If you’re not sure, ask yourself “Would I say this to my daughter/son/loved one?”

Treat yourself with the utmost respect, and you will want to give your body the healthy choices that it deserves and needs to function in the best way possible.

3. Stay positive and be grateful.

Don’t waste time and emotions staring at pictures of perfect bodies and wishing to be one of them. If you need visual inspiration, find photos of you at your best, not someone else at their best.

Learn to release negative thoughts about your body and to focus on the good that it brings you every single day. Rather than fixating on not having lost that five pounds yet, or not fitting into that dress yet, make a daily list of your accomplishments and your gratitude.

Just like in the rest of life, when we focus on what we don’t have or what we haven’t accomplished, we feel frustrated and ready to give up. Listing your achievements instead puts your focus on what is going right, which in turn motivates you to do more.

Maybe when you started, you couldn’t do one single push-up—and now you can do 10. That’s huge! No accomplishment is too small to be grateful for, because it has taken you one more step in the right direction. There is now no reason to give up, because with this attitude, you cannot fail.

4. Love yourself first and the rest will follow.

Learn to love yourself by catching and releasing negative thoughts, acknowledging your efforts and achievements, making positive daily affirmations, and seeing perfection in your so-called “imperfections.”

Ironically enough, focusing on loving and caring for yourself first will most likely lead to the external transformation that you’ve always wanted. Once you begin to treat yourself with the respect and care that you deserve, the habits needed for physical transformation develop naturally.

You’ll want to nourish your body because you are grateful for it, so healthy choices will come with ease. When an unhealthy choice makes you feel awful, you won’t stand for it because you know you deserve better.

Before you know it, you’ll see your body transform, and not just in fat/muscle composition, but a healthy glow from the inside out.

I can now look in the mirror, smile, and be happy with what I see, no matter what I see. Part of my beauty is the light that shines from within. I am at peace with myself.