Informative BLOG: 01/28/14

I Want My Kids to Be Weird

A few months ago, I posted a photo of my son playing with a cheap dollar-store style doll; let’s call her “Shmarbie.”

"Shmarbie" and my son in the photo seemed to get some reactions out of people.

“You shouldn’t let him play with girl toys, it confuses him.”
“First it’s 'shmarbies' and then it's dresses and nail polish.”
“He’s going to grow up to be weird!”

The only response I could think of was, “…And your point is?”

You see, I WANT my kids to grow up to be weird. I’m not pushing them to be weird; they are who they are. But if they’re odd or different, I’m okay with that.

I was weird. I was as weird as they get. Okay, maybe not AS weird as they get—there was a kid in my class who ate the hamster poop and nobody even dared him to! But, growing up I was definitely weird.

At the time, I entertained the idea of being popular for a few minutes, but watching the TV shows and seeing the kids in my school who fell into that “popular” category, it didn’t really seem that ideal to me for very long.

You see, unlike me and my “weird” friends, those kids had pressure. They had to fit in. They had to have the best, most expensive clothes and gadgets. They had to be rude and hurtful to kids like me, because if they weren’t, they weren’t cool. People judged them because they were jealous of them, and other people hated them for no reason at all. Of course, I wanted those things, but I knew that those things didn’t make me who I was. I understood that as an eight-year-old, yet somehow as grown adults, people are still trying to convince themselves that if their kids don’t fit in that they’ve somehow let them down as parents.

“If I don’t buy this game for my son, all of the other kids in his class will have it and he won’t, and he’ll be left out!”
“My daughter has to have an <insert fad here> birthday party, or the other kids won’t come.”

My awkward pre-pubescent years—and the bullying that came along with them—are what helped me become a better, more accepting person. Because I was picked on, I was able to see that the kids doing the picking, the ones who were supposed to be the happy, fulfilled popular kids, were missing something vital: a conscience, an inner monologue, and a vision of their future. They were so immersed in their lives, they couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

Bullying has been around as long as kids have been around; kids are only as disrespectful as we allow them to be. The difference is that now they have more channels to do it on. As parents, the onus is on us to teach our children how to respect themselves enough to respect others, and to know that when they are being disrespected, it speaks volumes about the person who is treating them poorly than it does about who they are as individuals.

I want to raise my kids to be strong enough—fulfi enough—to recognize that the lashing out, the cliques, and the garbage that comes with being a kid and a teen is just temporary. That if anything, it’ll help shape them as individuals. I want them to know that people who are so short-sighted that they place material objects, looks, and status above personality, kindness, and maturity, should have no bearing on their self-worth. I want them to value being individuals. I want them to do what will make themselves happy instead of what they think will make people like them, and to take pride in who they are, and most importantly, who they will become. I want them to know that, “Those that mind don’t matter, and those that matter don’t mind!”

Creative Food Designs for Kids

20 Creative Food Designs to Make Your Kids Enjoy Their Meal

Photo via: www.hd-wallpapersmania.blogspot.com

Photo via: l www.hd-wallpapersmania.blogspot.com

Photo via: www.hd-wallpapersmania.blogspot.com

I Wasn't A Good Mother

Dear Daughter,

Today, I wasn't a good mom. The morning came too soon after a long and exhausting night. I rolled out of bed and put pants on an hour before you normally woke up. When I came into your room you were ready for me, your hair tousled and your smile crooked. “I up!” You said reaching your arms out to me. “I pay wif toys!”

I didn’t smile, not because I don’t love you, but because I just needed more sleep. And then the day came and you stuck stickers to the couch and I grumbled under my breath. You tried to play tag and kicked me in the chest and I yelled, “BE NICE TO MOM!” I realize now, I wasn’t yelling that at you. I was just yelling at the world. But how could you know that? You couldn’t, and I’m sorry.

And when I went upstairs to go to the bathroom and you said, “NO MAM GO PODDY!” And I said, “Shut up!” It wasn’t my finest hour of parenthood.

I’m sorry I cried when you ate my lunch. The lunch I bought for both of us to feed my feelings. Because my feelings needed chicken nuggets, but apparently so did you. And I’m sorry I put you in time out when you made your plate do a little dance on the table. I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you when I put you down for nap, choosing instead to run away and lay in the guest room bed and just dwell in some silence.

I remember my own mom having days like this, when she seemed on the edge of something terrible, and we children tip toed around her, afraid and convinced it was us. I want you to know it is not you. It is never you.

What this is is my heart hurting for things and reasons that fall outside of you. I’ll be better tomorrow, after Coke, after a crime show and after some sleep. But being a parent means many things, one of which is that I cannot always be the selfish mess I want to be. This makes me a better person, but it is also oh so hard, when your eyes are tired and your back aches. You don’t need to know this now. And when you do need to know it, you will understand. But I want to apologize just so you know that I’m trying my very best, even when some days that best is a wreck.

I hear you up from your nap. You are singing Taylor Swift, shouting “Neber, eber, EBER!” And then there is something about a rubber ducky. I’m going to get you now. We are going to eat fruit snacks and read some books. We’re going to snuggle and put some stickers back on the couch.

And tomorrow, I’m going to try again.

I love you.

Your Mom

On “Single-Mommin’ It” … But Not Really

My husband is a surgeon. Which means he’s not around much. When he is, he’s the greatest partner and daddy ever. There’s Tickle Monster, Lego creations, and freshly baked muffins. But often, my boys and I “go it alone.”

I take a lot of pride in carting my three kids around town by myself. I got a triple stroller (and then, just as quickly, got rid of that awful monstrosity). I invest in scooters and balance bikes and two-wheelers so my older two can transport themselves to the nearest playground while I push the baby. And when they’re melting down, I strap on the baby carrier, even though my youngest weighs nearly 25 pounds, and push those big boys in the double.

Sometimes I rely on the kindness of strangers—to help me through a doorway, lift that hefty double stroller up the three steps to my front door, or keep an eye on a kid while I settle a restaurant bill. My morning showers are routinely punctuated with the shrieking sound of boys waking up well before they should (“Mooooooommmmmm!!!! Is it morning yet?!?!”). I fix things, pump air into tires, replace batteries, parallel park, shovel snow, take out the trash—and splinters, cook, clean…

I say I’m “single-mommin’ it.” But I’m not.

No matter how often I’m on my own with my kids, no matter what percentage of their daily care and well-being is my responsibility, no matter how overwhelmed I may feel on any given day, I will never understand what it means to be a single mom. Because those women are really going it alone.

We flock to the playgrounds as often as weather permits—sure, partly to get our little Tasmanian devils out of the house, and definitely to tire them out before naps, but also (maybe more so?) for the companionship of other neighborhood mamas.

We sign up for parenting classes and breastfeeding support groups and make play dates and join teams and arrange carpools and create chat rooms and websites and blogs—all to connect.

We’ve all realized—we can’t do this parenting thing alone.

When I’m pushing that triple stroller, or loading and unloading three little guys in and out of our minivan, when I’m throwing food at my kids during dinner hour, struggling to keep up with their needs, when Saturday mornings are spent trying to think of ways to engage my kids that won’t drive me crazy, when I feel trapped in the house because there is ALWAYS someone napping (but never all at the same time), when it all just feels too damn hard…when I’m feeling most sorry for myself…I stop. And remember that at the end of the day—or maybe not until the end of the week—my darling husband will resurface to tell me how awesome I am. To praise me for “doing it all.” To give me that critical emotional support, even if he can’t always be there to lend a hand.

It must be so lonely to know not just that your partner may come home late—and long after the kids are already in bed—but that he’s not coming home AT ALL. That being “on youar own” is not just a temporary state while you anxiously await the high-pitched sound of a text message from Daddy that he’s finished rounding at the hospital and on his way home. That you’re all your kids have. And oh yeah, you have to support your family financially, too.

So no, I’m not single-mommin’ it. Not even close. But here’s a shout-out to those of you who are. You may be younger. Or older. Your kids may resemble someone you loved and lost. Or maybe someone you never loved, or even met, at all. You have to have all the answers—not just to questions from your kids, but from strangers—some well-meaning, some downright nosy. You don’t get the luxury of saying, “That’s Daddy’s job…” about whatever task or project you don’t feel like doing. You never get to sleep in while someone else makes pancakes for breakfast. You change every diaper; you comfort every night terror. You don’t get a sick day.

Who gives you relief? Who do you vent to? Who do you instinctively call when you crush another car’s bumper as you pull out of your parking spot (like I did just this morning)? How do you have the energy to give your kids everything they need? Who loves your children as much as you do? Who tells you you’re beautiful? Even in your sweatpants?

This is my ode to you, Single Mother. If you’re smiling, if your hair is washed, if you made it to the end of another day—hell, if your kids are clothed…you deserve a medal.

25 Things Children Never Say

1. Mommy is on the phone right now, so let’s entertain ourselves quietly.

2. I know where my soccer cleats are!

3. I’m going to play with my toys now. I really do have so many of them.

4. You’re making what for dinner? YUM!

5. That puddle would make an awfully big mess. I’m not going to stomp in it.

6. We’re going to be in the car for five hours? Let me pee first.

7. I’m too full for dessert.

8. I have a lot of homework tonight, I really should get started.

9. You look really busy; I’ll go ask Dad instead.

10. We all decided that we want to watch the same thing on TV.

11. Thank you for that yummy lunch! I didn’t trade any of it at the cafeteria.

12. You’re so much more fun than Dad.

13. Let’s get those thank you notes over with!

14. I’ve had enough electronics for the day.

15. I have a class project due two weeks from now.

16. I’m ready for bed.

17. I don’t care what my friends are allowed to have or do.

18. What did you ask me to do before? I want to made sure I go and do it.

19. I’m really enjoying this long car ride.

20. I need to wash my hands.

21. I’ll take the smallest piece, please.

22. You’re in the bathroom? OK, I’ll wait patiently to ask my unimportant question.

23. You’re wearing that? You look great!

24. There’s so much to do in this house; What lucky kids we are.

25. We’re going to be late, let’s go!

How to Train Your Kids So That You Actually Want to Live With Them

How to Sleep Train Your Kid:

Step one: Throw away all of the books that talk about how to sleep train YOUR kid.

Step two: Politely refuse to listen to anyone else’s advice on how they sleep-trained THEIR kid.

Step three: When it’s bedtime, help your child put on their pajamas and put them in their bed.

Step four: Say goodnight, I love you, sweet dreams, or whatever else you want and turn the lights out.

Step five: Help them get out of their bed in the morning.

Step six: During the day, when they begin to turn into a tiny little monster, put them in their bed for a nap. Could be once a day, could be four or five times. Whatever. Monster = nap.

Step seven: Repeat.

How to Train Your Kids to Pick Up Their Toys:

Step one: Ask your child, “Will you please pick up your toys now?”

Step two: When your child ignores you, quietly get out a garbage bag.

Step three: Because of their previous experience with you and the aforementioned garbage bag, the child goes into panic mode and cleans up their toys in record time.

How to Train Your Toddler to not have Temper Tantrums:

Step one: Child is spastic on ground because you have poured milk on their cheerios after they had specifically asked you to….pour milk on their cheerios.

Step two: Stand over them and say to them “Go bigger, you can be wilder than that, C’mon you’re losing your touch! Yell louder! Flail More! Let’s go! Get that crazy out of you!”

Step three: If step two doesn’t work, get down on the floor and flail with them. Really go for it.

Step four: Assist your toddler, who should now be laughing hysterically at their lunatic mom, back up to their chair to eat their cheerios.

How to Train Your Kid to Be Polite:

Step one: Be polite to them.

Step two: Refuse to do anything for them (i.e. get them a glass of water, help them tie their shoes, buy them stuff, feed them) unless they are polite to you.

Step three: Repeat steps one and two 9,657,987 times.

How to Train Your Kid to Eat The Same Dinner as You:

Step one: Make something that you feel like having for dinner.

Step two: Put a smaller portion of this type of food on your child’s plate.

Step three: Eat.

Step four: Clean up their plate when dinner is over. You will know when dinner is over when you either see an empty plate or, if your child has the willpower of a Tibetan Monk, they will be fast asleep with their head on the table. They will most likely get hungry enough to eat what you eat someday. I wouldn’t know, I usually only give my kids mac ‘n cheese because I have a physiological disorder that requires me to see them put food into their mouths.

How To Potty Train Your Kid:

Step one: Stop using diapers.

Step two: Show them where to go to the bathroom.

Step three: Invest in a mop.

How To Teach Your Kid to Be a Nice Person:

Step one: Be nice to them.

The End.

Rules for Raising Sons

1.Teach him to put the damn seat down on the toilet. Don’t drop it with a bang. Gently put it down. (After he’s taken a piece of TP and wiped his up his dribble.) Better yet, never teach him to stand to pee.

2. Let him play video games. This will help him get out his aggression without actually killing anyone. Plus, it teaches him good hand/eye coordination for someday when he’s “My son, the surgeon.”

3. Teach him to scratch and/or adjust his balls in private – and NEVER with a fork.

4. Teach him that relationships are important and he needs to be faithful and monogamous. Teach him that sometimes relationships suck and require work. They’re not always “fun” and there are times it will seem easier to cut and run than stay and do some hard work. Teach him that he signed up for this and unless his partner is beating the shit out of him (physically and/or emotionally) he needs to stay and figure it out. Remind him too that when he was in high school you taught him what a skank was so that when he’s pushing 50, fat and bald, he’ll know the 20 something skank making eyes at him is only hoping he has a wallet as fat as his belly and he should go home now to his loving wife.

5. Give him a baby name book and help him make a list starting now. Little girls everywhere are doing it and maybe it if we start our sons now we can avoid disaster names like Pilot Inspector and Blue.

6. Teach your son it’s OK to cry, but only if he’s really hurt. Right now my 7 year old is so “in touch” with his sensitive side it’s all I can do not to call him “cry baby.” The boy cried today because he lost a Blades match! I really need to see blood if I'm going to see tears or I fear for his future.

7. Give him a box of Legos and take away the “instructions.” Let him build whatever he can come up with. Let him get creative and crazy. Encourage him to use every Lego piece he has so you won’t step on another one again in your bare feet.

8. Teach him what a skank is so he’ll never bring one home.

9. Teach him how to vacuum, dust and do the dishes. He will thank you someday, because we all know there is nothing hotter than a man doing housework.

10. Teach him to use a tissue. Every time you pull up to a red light what do you see? A grown man digging for gold…i.e., boogers. Obviously, his mother never taught him to use a tissue. Disgusting.

11. Teach your son to NEVER rub one out in public. He needs to keep his visits to his “wonderland” in his own bedroom.

12. Teach your son to never snap a girl’s bra strap. For one, it’s rude and disrespectful to the girls and for another, in this day and age it can be called sexual harassment and your son could be expelled or worse.

13. Teach your son to be funny. Even if he’s a dork, the funniest one is always king of the dorks. There’s nothing sexier than a man with a sense of humor.

14. Let him to dance in a pink tutu. If he wants to wear a tutu and carry a sword let him. Either he’ll grow out of it or he’ll never struggle with his identity.

15. Don’t ever let him be the “Bachelor” or on any other dumb reality show. Those guys are always douche canoes.

Media In The Lives of 8 to 18 Year Olds

In January 2010, the Kaiser Family Foundation released the third edition in a series of reports covering how children aged 8 to 18 use media in their lives. As usual, this KFF report is eye opening and a must-read for parents and anyone interested in the use of media by children.

“Televisions and other visual media devices are taking over kids' bedrooms”

The study had over 2,000 young participants from the US and revealed some shocking statistics. Overall, kids total media use is now 10 hours 45 minutes in a typical day! Television is still by far the most popular, but what is contributing to the increase in daily use is simultaneous use of more than one technology. For example, kids who text or use their laptop computer while viewing television. Compared to 1999, the total daily media use was over three hours less!

Other notable changes: Kids now use cell phones more as an entertainment device than to talk on. And televisions and other visual media devices are taking over kids' bedrooms which have contributed greatly to increased media use.

The Problem With "Liberal and Reasonable" Child Visitation.

Question:

My ex and I have 2 kids, and the divorce decree gives me custody, with him having "liberal and reasonable visitation", including but not limited to the usual every other weekend, split holidays, etc. He seems to think that the words "liberal and reasonable" give him the right to tell me which extra days he will have, and that I cannot refuse these days without giving him a valid reason.

The kids are at his house this weekend, and I offered him Tuesday night as well. He told me that he will be taking Monday night as well, and I didn't agree to that. Now he's stating that I'm hurting the relationship with his children and that I am refusing requests for additional time. How do I handle these situations? Every time I try to negotiate on extra time, he demands more and threatens me with legal action.

Answer:

Most visitation orders will state “liberal and reasonable visitation” child visitation and will then outline what is to occur if the parents can’t agree on what is “liberal and reasonable.”

For example, it is common for the visitation order to state something like, "The non-custodial parent shall have liberal visitation rights with the children and shall have the right to visit with the children at all reasonable times and places. Should the parties be unable to agree as to what is reasonable, the NCP shall have the following specific visitation rights with said children:" And then it lists specifics.

In a case like yours the above clause would protect you from the ongoing conflict with your ex and motivate him to be more inclined to negotiate with you instead of throw his weight around.

I suggest you carefully read your visitation clause and see if it outlines what is to take place should you two not come to an agreement on what is “liberal and reasonable" child visitation. If your decree doesn’t address this you need to have the wording modified to be more specific.

I can’t imagine a divorce attorney who would allow you to sign an agreement that didn’t fully outline a visitation schedule in case of such a conflict. If there isn’t wording in your decree that takes care of what is to take place if you two can’t agree you need to contact the attorney who handled your divorce and ask him/her what steps you need to take to have the wording modified.

As an aside, I’ve never understood why the courts think that divorcing parents would be able to agree on what is “liberal and reasonable” when it comes to child visitation. Due to that I always encourage clients to not allow the language be used in a visitation order. In my opinion it is just another example of the family court dropping the ball and failing to discourage conflict after divorce

Helping Your Teen Survive Your Divorce

“I want a divorce.”

The four words millions of mothers have heard from their former partners.

It’s shocking to someone who didn’t see it coming. It’s stressful, sad, overwhelming, and can definitely make someone angry. A mother may ask themselves, “What did I do wrong?” or “how did this happen?”

These are the same questions your teenager may likely ask themselves too and may be just as shocking. And as soon as your teen finds out his parents are getting a divorce, they’re going through the divorce with you as well.

But, “How do I take care of my teenager when I can barely take care of myself?”

Well, the easiest way for a mother to take care of her teenager is to simply … Take care of herself.
Think of it this way … You’re on a plane with your teenager and the unthinkable happens. There is a loss of air pressure and oxygen masks drop down. Your teen isn’t able to get his mask on and then you try to help, but you panic, you’re not able to get the mask on and you start to lose oxygen and become unconscious. You and your son are blue from a lack of oxygen.

But, if you read the manual in the seat pocket, it instructs you to place a mask on your own face before attempting to help others.

Please, put your own oxygen mask on first. For a mother to be successful in parenting their teenager through divorce, I think they would do best when healthy, logical, self-aware, and able to manage their emotions.

So, how do you manage your emotions? Maybe you’re not able to at this point during the divorce. And that is OK. Keep working on yourself. Even two competent parents have challenges raising a child on their own.

It takes a community of people to raise a teenager.

An aunt, uncle, a good friend, or a mentor of some sort or, a therapist is very important. Even consider programs for teenagers your teen will find interesting where they’ll meet people they will admire and gain support. It can be a time to help your teen vent frustration and be around other supportive adults, helping them express feelings while going through a confusing time. This will take off some of the pressure for the mother.

It’s very challenging raising a teenager through a divorce but it’s important for a mother to think about the big picture.

“What is the big picture in supporting myself and my teen through this divorce?”

Ideally, having a good relationship with both parents is best for any child if possible. But, most importantly, keep in mind everyone’s well-being. The happiness of your children, yourself, and, yes, even your ex. It should be the main idea in the big picture of your new life and your teenager’s new life after divorce.

Divorce Abuse: When Children Get Caught in the Middle

Cooperative parenting...for many former couples, their parenting styles can be best described asanything but. However, for children who live in a two home family, cooperative parenting is the best gift that their parents can give them in order to minimize the stress, confusion, and anguish that many children experience during the divorce process, and (for many) the years that follow.

While there are varying reasons that separated and/or divorced couples have a difficult time keeping their children out of the middle of their conflict, at the heart of the issue lies their inability to remain, “child focused.”

Instead of focusing on what is in the best interest of their child(ren), they become enraptured with the sense of power, satisfaction of revenge, reward of playing the victim, desire to stay connected to the other parent (even if only through conflict), and all too often, by the pleasure of being right/winning that typically comes with their ongoing struggle.

There are times when this feud spills over into the parent-child relationship, which is known as, “Divorce Abuse.” This type of abuse includes intentional acts or omissions engaged in by parents that have caused, or have the potential to cause, serious behavioral, cognitive and/or emotional distress in their child(ren) during/after their divorce. Although not as overt as physical abuse, this form of emotional abuse is no less dangerous for children.

Examples of Divorce Abuse include:

Using your child to manipulate the other parent.
Making negative comments about the other parent.
Involving the police when there is no physical threat.
Telling your child “the truth” in an attempt to align them with your cause.
Video or audio taping your child for court purposes.
Using your child to communicate messages with the other parent.
Overindulging your child in order to become the “preferred” parent.
Interrupting or blocking your child’s time with their other parent.
Withholding your child’s possessions to control or punish the other parent.
Neglecting to take your child to their activities to upset the other parent.
Interrogating your child for information about the other parent.
Withholding parenting information so that your child misses opportunities to share activities with both parents.

Untreated, Divorce Abuse can cause long lasting damage in the lives of those affected. While this distress may vary from child to child, here are some common signs of suffering:

Infants, Toddlers & Preschoolers:

Loss of developmental accomplishments (return to waking in the night, bedwetting/soiling self, delayed verbal communication)
Clinging to parent, refusing to separate from parent, separation anxiety
May cry frequently, seem easily upset, or express anger through biting, hitting, throwing toys

School Age (6 yrs. – 8 yrs.):

Complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical complaints
Decline in school performance
Attempts to actively reunite their parents (sometimes by having problems that force parental involvement)

Preteen (9 yrs. – 12 yrs.):

May take sides and choose one parent over the other
May engage in stealing, lying, or refusing to go to school
Tends to feel alone, and frightened, but since they are easily embarrassed they may act unaffected

Adolescents:

Temporarily withdrawn to cope with feelings and emotions
May become sexually active (if they didn’t at the preteen stage)
May use drugs or alcohol as a means to escape

How do you protect your child from Divorce Abuse?

Allow your child(ren) to love both parents.

Permit them to spend meaningful, one-on-one time with each parent as often as possible.
Encourage open, honest communication between your child(ren) and each of their parents.
Reassure them that the divorce was not their fault, and that they will continue to be loved and taken care of.
Allow them to express their fears, concerns, and complaints, and provide them with honest, age-appropriate answers void of “adult information,” that would cause your children undo stress, or vilify the other parent.

A great first step in avoiding Divorce Abuse is getting parents to agree to “Divorce Rules,”
as provided by the Cooperative Parenting Institute. Rules similar to those typically utilized by Parenting Coordinators