If you have any relationship that isn’t working, you have something to do with it. At the minimum, you are fighting the truth of the way the other person is.
This destroys the experience of love. The other person then gets hurt and gives it back to you. Then you get more upset at the other person. Then the other person gets more defensive and becomes more upset at you.
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Without knowing, you create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking, and withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person ever noticing his or her role in the problem.
Fortunately, it is relatively easy to turn your situation around. This is because the cycle of conflict is like a tennis volley. It takes two people to keep the volley going. It only takes one to end it. As soon as someone refuses to return the serve, the volley is over.
By resisting the truth of the way someone is, you destroy love and fuel the conflict. To end the cycle of conflict, stop the resisting.
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Use the following steps to heal your relationship,
one human being to another
1. Find and heal the hurt that is being triggered by the other person
Ultimately, you are resisting the way the other person is because that person is triggering a supressed emotion in you. As you heal this hurt, the need to resist disappears. Automatically, you restore your ability to see clearly and can interact in a way that creates love instead of more hurt.
2. Give the person full permission to be the way he or she is
The other person is the way he or she is whether you like it or not. Your feelings are totally irrelevant. When you are at peace with the way someone is, you see your situation clearly and can see what needs to be done. When you fight the way someone is, you destroy love and fuel the cycle of conflict.
3. Forgive the person
When you resent someone, part of you closes down. You become bitter and lose some of your ability to love. You make yourself a victim and keep your hurt alive. You put up your walls of protection and forcefully fuel the cycle of conflict. Forgiveness is not for the other person, forgiveness is for you.
4. Accept full 100% responsibility for the loss of love
Relationships are not 50/50. They are 100/100. Each person is 100% responsible for the presence or absence of love. Once you see your 100% role in the problem, you can do something about it. When you blame, you lose your power and stay stuck.
5. Let the person go
When you hang on to someone, you push the person away. The person feels suffocated and has to fight for breathing room. Just look at how you feel when someone hangs on to you. Once you are willing to lose someone, that person no longer needs to avoid you.
6. See that you are just like the other person
Any characteristic that you can't stand in another person is an aspect of you that you can't stand in yourself. Once you discover that this characteristic is also in you, your resistance towards the other person gets replaced with compassion. You also become more at peace with yourself.
7. Get with the person and clean up your relationship
Tell the person that you've had some major self-discoveries and that you want to clean up your relationship. Take full responsibility for what happened and ask the person to forgive you. If you have been hanging on, give the person freedom to leave. Say whatever you need to say to heal your relationship. Then follow it up with action. Make sure the other person always feels loved, accepted, and appreciated
