Stop Attracting Unhealthy Relationships: 3 Promises to Make to Yourself

“When you stop trying to change others and work on changing yourself, your world changes for the better.”  ~Unknown

For years, I was entering relationships with men where I saw their potential to be a good match for me, if only they would completely change who they were.

For twelve years, it was the same pattern until one day I finally realized something was broken.

After my last unsuccessful relationship, where I was just holding on, hoping he would change and be the person I wanted him to be, I had had enough. So, I took a much-needed hiatus to regroup, reprogram, and refocus.

The Problem

My sorority sister used to say, “If you always do what you always done, you’ll always get what you already got.” So, what was I doing that constantly attracted me to men who were not a good fit for me? What was so compelling to me about that?

Here’s what I discovered: The tape that continued to play in my mind said, “I am not able to attract a man with a steady, regular job who’ll make time for me, and is emotionally available.” So, I constantly attracted men who were emotionally damaged, who cheated on and ignored me.

The Analysis

Now that I knew what attracted me, I wanted to figure out what made me stay in so many loveless relationships.

I’m almost ashamed to admit it but I stayed in relationships I should have never started because I thought I could change save them. They were hurt and I could treat them better than their previous lover because, let’s face it, I’m better than everyone.

I was going to swoop in and save the day and show “him” how much better I was than “she” was to “him.” And “he” will not cheat on me like “he” did “her.”

But, guess what?  “He” always did. Always.

And I always took it as a personal failure. As if I had failed “him” somehow, because I wasn’t even good enough, much less better. It never occurred to me that “he” might have been just a jerk to begin with.

The Solution

After finally learning my lesson, I’m now ready to re-enter the dating arena, and I’ve made three promises to myself. If you’ve also attracted unhealthy relationships, perhaps these could help you, too.

1. Trust yourself.

Many times in the past, I can remember thinking this relationship was not a good idea, or something wasn’t right. But I didn’t listen. And as my grandmother used to say, “If you don’t hear, you feel.”

When you feel something is off, make the determination of whether you are just nervous because you’re afraid of making another mistake, or if something really feels off. When your intuition tells you something is wrong, move on.

Trust that you know what is best for your happiness. You are the only one who does.

2. Value yourself.

Moving on is much easier to do now that I’ve raised, expanded, and updated my standards. Looking back, it seems that my only requirements were that he be breathing, and liked me.

For you, it may be time to reevaluate your standards and decide that you deserve to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who meets your needs.

Create a list of your top three non-negotiables and even when you get slack from your friends and family, who mean well, telling you your standards are high or you’re being too picky, don’t waver.

Not listening to your intuition is what most likely got you in this dating predicament in the first place, so value yourself and stop ignoring your inner voice.

3. Focus on yourself.

Worrying whether the other person was happy or not in my past relationships was emotionally draining, and never created a happy ending for me. So I’m bringing the focus back on me. I’m no longer looking to fix, change, or save anyone nor restore their faith in relationships, and neither should you.

If this has been an issue for you, read these next words carefully: It’s not your job to make the other person happy. It’s theirs.

Believe me, you will save yourself a lot of wasted years, tears, and time by following this one rule.

If you’re ready to take responsibility for your dating life, consider taking a break to reevaluate your previous relationships, update and expand your standards, and work on your own happiness first. You’ll be a happier, more whole and joyful person—which can ultimately lead you to the relationship you want.

10 Powerful Benefits of Change: Why Embrace It

“If you do not create change, change will create you.” ~Unknown

We are often resistant to change, and we don’t realize that change itself is constant.

Even if you resist or avoid it, it will enter your life just the same. When you initiate the change yourself, it’s pretty easy to adopt to it, since it’s a wanted one.

But are the unplanned and unexpected changes bad? What if all changes were good by default?

I have been embracing change since a young age. During my life I have lived in five countries and in over twenty-five apartments, changed five schools and about five different careers.

At first it is a bit difficult and annoying, but after a while you get used to the change so much that if it doesn’t come for a while, you end up moving the furniture at home in order to feel something changing.

Changes connected with moving from country to country impacted my personality. Thanks to them I became more flexible and open-minded. Now I understand cultural differences and appreciate diversity.

Each of the career shifts brought knowledge and new experiences. As a result, apart from the professional experience I learned how to resolve conflicts with difficult colleagues and how to work with unbearable bosses.

Career related changes brought self-confidence. All those changes led me to the realization of what I wanted to do with my life.

The biggest change in life occured when I got married. The change brought love, peace, and comfort into my life. As a result, a new me was born—me being a wife, mother, and happy woman.

Finally, the big change I initiated by quitting a good job and embracing the passion of writing made me truly happy and satisfied.

In general, when looking back, I realize that all the good things in my life are the results of changes that occurred in the past.

People usually avoid changes and prefer to stay in their comfort zones, but I am true believer that once you get the courage and take the first step to change, your life will become much better.

Below are just few benefits of change:

1. Personal Growth

You grow and learn new things every time something changes. You discover new insights about diffferent aspects of your life. You learn lessons even from changes that did not lead you to where you wanted to be.

2. Flexibility

Frequent changes make you easily adapt to new situations, new environments, and new people. As a result you do not freak out when something unexpectedly shifts.

3. Improvements

We all have things in our lives we’d like to improve—finances, job, partner, house, etc. All of us know that nothing will  improve by itself. We need to do things differently to make that happen. Without change, there’d be no improvements.

4. Life values

From time to time changes make you re-evaluate your life and look at certain things from a different perspective. Depending on what the change is, it may also reinforce your life values.

5. The Snowball Effect

Often we give up because we cannot accomplish the difficult task of making a huge and immediate change. That is when small changes become extremely valuable. One shift at a time, small changes will eventually lead you to the desired big one.

6. Strength

Not all changes lead you to pleasant periods of life. Unfortunately we do not live in fairy tale and sad things happen, too. Overcoming the tough period will make you stronger.

7. Progress

Changes trigger progress. Things move forward and develop because of the them.

8. Opportunities

One never knows what each change may bring. When you turn from your usual path there will be plenty of different opportunities waiting for you. Changes will bring new choices for happiness and fulfillment.

9. New Beginnings

Each change is a turning page. It is about closing one chapter and opening another one. Changes bring new beginnings and excitement to life.

10. Routine

Remember the movie Stranger than Fiction? The main character Harold Crick does the same things in exactly same time for years. He leads a completely dull, extremely predictable, and uninteresting life. That is how your life would be without changes.

So next time you get the temptation to avoid or resist the change, aim instead to initiate the ones that will lead you to where you want be.

And remember—if there were no change, there would be no butterflies!

Change Your Life by Changing Your Mind About Yourself

“The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” ~Sonya Friedman

I’d had enough.

Once again, I’d sent follow-up emails to guys who had shown interest in my dating site profile. Once again, I’d included full-length photos with those emails, unlike the headshot that went along with my online profile.

And once again, days later, my inbox was a virtual ghost town.

Didn’t these guys know how much courage it took for me to set up a profile in the first place? I was twenty-six years old and been on fewer than a dozen dates in my life—including my senior prom, to which I took a freshman.

I was morbidly obese for most of my twenties and had only recently lost fifty pounds. I was still overweight but in better shape than I’d been in years. And yet it still wasn’t good enough.

As soon as these once-interested guys got past my witty, self-deprecating profile full of catchy phrases like “loves to cook,” “enjoys watching football,” and “can quote The Godfather” and saw me head-to-toe, they remembered that it doesn’t matter if a girl likes watching sports or can cook a mean Sunday dinner—as long as she’s “fit and athletic.”

My self-esteem was lower than low. This was just as bad as being ignored to my face in bars and at parties.

I felt like I had to apologize for the way I looked. “Hey, sorry I’m fat, but I’m a really nice person! And I’ve spent a lot of time developing my sense of humor while the rest of you were out dating and stuff!”

I’m not sure what finally flipped the switch inside my head, but I remember the date the switch got flipped: March 7, 2006.

I’d had enough. I realized (somehow, for some reason) that I didn’t have to apologize for anything about myself.

That there were plenty of girls who looked just like me and managed to find love on their own terms—who managed to live life regardless of the voices in their head which tried to tell them they weren’t allowed to.

I got mad, both at the world and at myself for wasting so much time feeling apologetic. Like I had to gratefully accept any little crumbs thrown my way.

So I went on a rant. And I took that rant to the bastion of all that’s sketchy about the internet.

Yes, I went to Craigslist. Hey, why not? I had nothing to lose at this point.

I wish I’d kept that rant because it was gold. I derided the nameless men who let me know without saying a word that I wasn’t good enough once they got a look at the full package. I called it exactly as I saw it, with all the vitriol I could manage.

I then announced to all of the world that I wore a size 14/16, and that anyone who had a problem with that shouldn’t bother wasting my time.

I listed the same qualities I’d listed on my dating profile, and asked if my size really mattered in the face of all I had to offer. My humor, intelligence, hatred of reality TV, love of old timey movies, insanely huge music collection spanning six decades, mad cooking skills…did my size matter all that much, really?

I may even have referred to myself as “a catch.” I don’t know, it all became a blur after a while.

And much to my surprise, my inbox exploded with responses. Many of them were immediately deleted—you know, pictures of genitals and all that. (Craigslist will always be Craigslist.) Some were practically unintelligible, so I moved past them pretty quickly, too.

But one reply…one reply caught my eye.

The guy could spell and knew how to use punctuation. He seemed warm and friendly and smart, and appreciative of what I had to say. The fact that he liked to cook earned him points, too. (Ladies, I think we can all admit that we get a little swoony over a man who knows his way around the kitchen—men, pay attention!)

I knew immediately that if nothing else, this guy and I would be friends. What I didn’t know at the time was that I would marry him in September 2008.

See, I know now that the moment I decided to start treating myself like I was worth loving—no apologies, no holds barred—was the moment the Universe breathed a great big sigh of relief and said, “Finally.”

That’s when a man who’s called me beautiful every day since we first met found me. Things started clicking within minutes of me publishing that post.

For years I had assumed that everyone else saw me the way I saw myself: fat, unattractive, worthless. I know now just how deep my self-loathing went, and I wish I could go back and hug that old version of me.

That sort of thinking is a vicious cycle—the worse you think you are, the more you cut yourself off from others, which makes you feel even worse than you did before.

All I had to do was change my mind about myself, about what I was worthy of, about what I was willing to accept from others.

Bonus: Because I was so utterly myself—snarky, sassy, smart, sarcastic—I attracted someone who likes those qualities and I never have to pretend to be any other way.

If you’re in a situation where you feel as though you have to change yourself in order to measure up, or like you have to put up with someone else’s mess because you can’t do any better (be it in a relationship or a job), change your mind.

Know that it’s just your insane, misguided ego trying to keep you small and quiet—and that’s understandable, because your ego wants to avoid going out on a limb and possibly being hurt.

But you absolutely have to ignore that fearful voice and start speaking and living your truth anyway. And as soon as you put yourself out there, your life will start to change.

This doesn’t have to be anything on an epic scale—no Lifetime movies-of-the-week here. It can just be something as small as posting a rant online, claiming your worth, and announcing that you’ve had enough of feeling “less than.”

Maybe you’ll simply start holding yourself to a higher standard when it comes to the way you talk about yourself and others.

And maybe that new way of talking about yourself will leak into the way you talk to yourself. You might actually start smiling when you see yourself in the mirror.

You might then start seeing all the ways you’re playing small in your life, and you might start making subtle shifts in how you handle things going forward.

You’ll stop putting yourself last. You’ll start speaking up when a situation doesn’t feel right to you. You’ll stand a little stronger every day.

And the Universe will breathe a great big sigh of relief and say, “Finally